What's Up, Again

   Hey y’all, what’s up? What’s good? How y’all been? I hope all is well, and if it’s not, just know that nothing lasts forever unless you refuse to move forward. I promise it can get better. What to say, what to talk about, hmmmm. Well, for starters, it’s a new day, a new Friday, and a new blog lol. I think this year has been a major adjustment for all of us, and I was definitely NOT immune to that. I really want to share some of the things that I had to work through on a personal level as a result of the state of the world right now. A lot of motivational sites and posts blame lack of success on time prioritizing. That may be true in some cases, but I’ve learned that sometimes it’s about finding wholeness in yourself first. I know I preach to take care of yourself often, but it seems like I understand it on a deeper level with each passing day. Even though the blog is something that is based wherever I am with my computer, I’ve come to realize that I relied heavily on routines to be productive. Having half my day uprooted with the social distancing, seemed amazing at first, but it ended up being detrimental in the end. The conclusion I’ve come to is that I use overachieving as a coping mechanism.  

   Initially, the extra freetime was perfect to do everything I felt I didn’t have time for. I was able to build a whole new site for the blog, update my templates, and set the foundation for my store to relaunch later this month. I got a lot done. As time went on though, I started getting apathetic about everything in my life. Yea, I have all day to do 5 hours max of work, there’s more time to do what I want to do, but it still didn’t feel right. Something was off but it took me a while to figure out why I didn’t feel as accomplished as I should in my situation. It was because deep down I never felt I was good enough. No matter how much I accomplished, it just didn’t seem worthy of praise. Having a high pace day didn’t allow me the time to really dwell on and critique what I was doing. I was on autopilot with no time to think. Now, I had all day almost to reflect on why something wasn’t as good as I had hoped. With more time to complete it, It should be better, right?

   Since I only knew to work harder, I started trying to compensate for what I saw as a lack of value, with more and more to do until I burnt myself out. No matter what I did, how hard I worked, nothing I produced felt good enough. That’s when I realized I had to take a step back and look at myself. Either everyone was lying to me in unison, or I had been lying to myself. It wasn’t easy, but it was very necessary. I had to learn to find solace in myself, not from what I could give or produce. In short, if there’s something that you feel you are lacking as a being, there is nothing that can fill that void for you externally. You can keep yourself distracted with work or material things, but as soon as you have a moment to yourself, that void will make itself known. This year has without a doubt been a rough one, but it’s also created the opportunity to grow in ways we may not have done otherwise. Hang in there y’all. There’s light at the end of the tunnel. Everyone is going through growing pains, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Please remember to be kind to yourself and others during the chaotic times. Until next time, take care.

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